You too can write an award-winning bestseller! I’m going to show you how!

The very first step of the process of writing your very own award winning best-seller is to banish all doubt. Listen to your muse, don’t get discouraged, you can do it! I’m going to show you how.

Second step: be open to feedback. You don’t know it all. You didn’t know you could write an award-winning best-seller, did you. Did you?? So there.

Be open to feedback, but not everything—be selective. You know best—except maybe you thought you did when you believed you would never write an award-winning best seller, but I’m going to tell you how.

Another thing: others will try to tell you either 1) that you can’t do it—we’ve covered that point, I think; or 2) they are the ones to tell you how to do it. Maybe you’ve listened to them, even signed up for their classes and webinars. How’d that work out for you? I thought so. This is point number four: only I can tell you how you can become an award-winning best-selling author.

Pardon me while I digress for a moment. You may be asking yourself right now, do I really want to be an award-winning best-selling author? That’s an excellent question. We don’t have the time and space to go give this subject attention it deserves in this very limited introductory training, but let me mention a few reasons you might want to go there: money, money, money. Also all your friends will think you’re really smart, though you might be in to making new friends once you have all that money because, you know, you can. Also fame, which, if you’re a guy, can lead to some very nice attention from babes. If you’re a woman, not so much, but you’ll be able to afford bodyguards, some of whom might be hot. That’s up to you.

I’ve developed this program from input from some of my clients, amazingly successful authors, every last one. How do these names sound: Angela Rickenbacker (Don’t Just Get Rich, Get Filthy), suspense writer Rex Axelrod (Awful Mean, Born Mean, Plain Mean), and ARV Frothy (Into My Arms, Wonder Throb) and Sean Handy (Etching for Pleasure and Profit, Caning for Fun and Profit, Yes you can horseshoe, Resole Those!). If you haven’t heard of these fabulously successful and, thanks to me, obscenely wealthy authors, then you don’t read much. Of course, you have! And you know the best part? Your name could be at the head of this list.

I could go on, but you’re probably wondering, can we get back to the part where you tell me how I’m going to pull this off? You bet! Here’s the next step:

Write a really terrific book.

This sounds simple, but actually, it’s not. Writing takes work. You have to get up in the morning and get at it, writing, that is. The good part is that other things—showering, getting dressed, brushing your teeth—are optional. No one wants to hang around writers anyhow, at least at this stage. They’re likely to glare and snarl a lot, because they’re trying to concentrate, which is a good thing, why can’t they understand? It’s your process. Stick to it. Get the thing written. When you’re rich and famous, they’ll be dying to hang out with you, and you can be more selective.

OK, so let’s say you’ve written that book—maybe more than one. Good for you! Then you have to get a book deal. But wait—you may not have to, though you could. You can do anything—remember that! This is not a time to let negativity creep in. there are multiple paths to becoming a an award-winning, best-selling author. Stay with me here. Think of that big house, the fancy vacations, the babes—sorry ladies. Anyhow, this is the good stuff, coming up right now.

You can get an agent, who can get you a book deal with a top publisher, and they will partner with you to ride your rocket to the top. Woohoo!!

Or you can publish yourself. Amazon Create Space and Kindle Direct are options, along with Ingram Spark and others, but you’re going to want to check out Bob’s Bestseller’s Press before you sign on with any of those, especially if you want the benefit of first class editing, book cover and interior design, along with publicist consultation. Anyhow, you don’t have to go there yet, just…

TAKE THAT NEXT STEP—you owe it to yourself!

If you act within the next half hour, I will offer you my week-long writing and self-publishing residency for an unheard of 99% discount. I bet you’ve never heard of an offer like that before, but I believe in you so much, I’m going to sacrifice myself. My children may go hungry for a while, but hey… this is a $5,000 value for only $50. OK, that’s $50 a day, so $250. This is a residency program, so I’ll need a nice room with at least a queen-sized bed, access to wi fi and paleo meals.

But maybe you’re saying, gee Bob, isn’t there some way I can get help with the actual writing part? I mean, that’s hard, you know? Yes, I suppose it is, for some people. Not for this guy, though. For that same measly $50 a day, and the same modest but comfortable accommodations, I will spend a full year with you and we’ll knock out that sucker together. I will need a new laptop—we writers always use MacBook Pro—and a few other accessories, but no big deal. And the best part—you retain all the rights! How can you lose?

But wait—there’s more. I saved the best part for last. If, after a week, you’re not completely satisfied, not flushed with pleasure and excitement, not ready to…well, you get the idea. If, despite all I’ve offered, you let negativity creep in and sabotage your dreams, well. Far be it from me to pile on. This is a no fault offer. If after a week of my services you are not thrilled, you pay only for that week, and that’s it. No further penalties—I’m not like that. Of course, I get to keep the laptop, but you quit, so you won’t be needing it anyway. Quitter!

But hey Bob, you may say. There’s a problem here. Once you’re signed on for a residency, that will be it. You’re right—once I’m committed, I’ll be taken, and you’ll be shut out, at least for that year. I can put you on a wait list, but that’s about all. Phase II of my program will be to train other hand-picked writing coaches, trained in my exclusive and foolproof methods, but you know it’s never the same—just ask those Trump U alums. On second thought, never mind that, just remember, the original is always the best! Has anyone made a better movie than the original MATRIX? I don’t think so!

My girlfriend is standing by to take your call and bank account information, so call now before my line goes down from all the traffic. Believe in yourself! This is your best and only chance! Be a winner! Do your thing, go for that ring, get the bling! I believe in you. Believe in yourself and act now.